Ya Allah..... Please make dua for me :(

so I was googling for myself in google today.
I was wondering if there would be post or pictures of me if I do type myself in.
For these past few years, I really had tried my best to change myself, Wallahi, I really did . And only Allah swt knows the struggle.

I was glad, Alhamdullilah when I type in my typical names inside the search engine, nothing of sorts that is related to me came up. No facebook (Ive changed mine to Arabic letters), No Instagram (because I am using a different name), and absolutely no pictures, Alhamdullilah. Ive ceased to take selfies since I wanted to change a few years back and I have not allowed people to tag me in photos either. Ive deleted most of my silly accounts like Tagged, and Ive ceased to used my twitter.

HOWEVER. :((((( SubhanAllah.
As I searched for my nickname, one I had way back in Secondary and early Poly days, my old blog suddenly did popped up. Frankly speaking, I was VERY SURPRISED. I was confident that I had deleted the account a couple years back as I did not want to remind myself of my "past". I remembered that fateful day when I did try deleting it. After so much struggles of trying to hack into my own account and even trying all sorts of ways (unfortunately Im no computer nor hacker genius) and even trying to put myself back in the shoes of my 16/17 year old self, I managed to do it.
OR ATLEAST I THOUGHT I DID. I was near to tears of joy then but today, I am nearer to the tears of desperation.

I am horrified of my past, of my words (countless endless curses), my ugly English full of "short forms" and "misspelled" words that I apparently thought its cool at the point of time, MY COMPLAINS (ASTARGFIRULLAH). And it was mostly about my "hate" for the family and so much love for my friends.

I AM ASHAMED YES :((((( and again, I tried to hack into it again. But to no avail.
to make matters worse, my full name and my pictures, it ALL APPEARED IN THE TWO BLOGS THAT I HAD CREATED. My horrible self back when I was 16 and 17.

full of hatred, so far from ALLAH. I know the past is in the past, but I don't think I am comfortable to let that be left like that for the world to witness. not to mention, it'll definitely be counted on Judgement Day. For all that I had written there, I deserved the punishment so much. I was embarrassing myself, my family, and my religion :(((( I had defamed all the goods that's left of me for the universe to witness. And now I cant even do anything about it.

Not to mention, if this ever gets out, and whoever my future spouse is founds out about it.
YA ALLAH :(((( IT WOULD TOTALLY PUT MY FAMILY TO SHAME. AND MY RELIGION TOO :((((((

My name is Siti Syazwani Sulaiman. and I am typing these post in the year 2015. In case you ever come across my blogs from year 2008/2009 when I was 16/17, I do hope you do not judge me. I am ashamed of my past, I really am. I was not a good child, and I was far off from being the muslimah I should be. I had talked bad of family (who I am so thankful for today for putting me where I am now) and I had disgraced myself, my religion and the English language. Its terrible that now that I am a teacher, not only will this look bad for strangers, but it does look bad for my children in school.

I want to apologised for my past. For all the terrible horrible things Ive said. Yes, I will repent, yes I will apologised to my family once I find the strength to do it, but Wallahi. Believe me, Ive changed.

If there are any hackers out there and genuinely wants to help, please do tell me.
I 'll tell you now, I have absolutely nothing to offer as a payment. But if you really are sincere enough, please do help me :( I am desperate. and the most I could ever offer you is probably a dinner, and a lifetime of dua so that you may always be in Allah swt protection.

dear best friend, i love you

Dear Natasha 

you know how people always find love and get married to their besfriends when they realise they are soulmates? well somehow our story is almost the same, the only difference, is that we became sisters out of that love. it was weird how we started out just as coursemates, and then we got closer and regard each other as workmates. onto being just friends and then thats when the magic happen. for all those talks that we had, the lame jokes we shared, the problems and troubles we help each other through and the same understanding we both had on any situations, suddenly we were best friends. no one else could be as impromptu as you can and agree to all those random things I say. no one else could be any crazier than we could be in, jumping to do things we were not even familiar with. because for some reason, all those fears somehow became an exciting adreline rush when i am with you. we could be sitting calmly for a minute, and agreeing to do something out of the blue and in a split second, already will be doing so. 

i also love the fact that religion was actually the first thing that brought us close when we first talk and started discussing about islam. and as we went on, we found out alot of other similarities that brought us closer. the love for travel, the thirst for adventures, the passion in photography especially clouds and skies, the-must-try-everything-bcos-we-only-live-once attitude, the agreeing to do all the "why-nots", the loves for volunteering work and first and formost, children. 

im glad we found each other in our journey through life, because you were one of the reasons why im happy to be where i am today. knowing that there was always someone i could turn to regardless of the situations is one of the greatest thing ever. thank you for being there in both happy, sad and troubled times, for always picking up my calls EVERYTIME i got lost somewhere in Singapore, for all the lame jokes we had and everything else that words just could not express. thanks for being patient with me and all the troubled times i give you, and for understanding the situation im in even though i did not say anything. 

also thank you for Phuket, for agreeing to go snorkelling with me although we both know nuts about swimming or breathing through our mouth which almost cause us to die and also for agreeing to go jetskiing at the whim of suggestion. 

to many more crazy times we always plan, backpacking, experiencing india, trying the biggest swing in the world, parasailing and many more others.i hope in times to come, no matter how busy we are or how many fights we may get ourselves into, we will and always be close... also together with the girls of "Paper Stones". May God bless you always, I love you ❤